It seems that every other day someone from my past comes out of the woodwork to thank me for the work I’m doing online to call out diet culture bull$hit in the fitness industry. A lot of these messages come from coworkers and colleagues but I also get it from people I went to high school with. Former dance students who are all grown up. People I used to teach and coach when I first started as a yoga teacher and personal trainer.

What I really want to say to them (and all of you) is that I’m SORRY.

I’m sorry for what I said & did when I was stuck in diet culture.

I try to avoid throwing around the word “sorry” unless I’ve genuinely done something to hurt another person. And you should know that for everything I criticize now, I was once very guilty of. Like every single thing. I cringe at what I used to say to my students and clients. I’m sure I also did and said some pretty crappy things to my family and friends too.

So before anyone else decides to DM me a “thank you”, I want to genuinely give you all an apology for the times I wasn’t doing the kind of work I do now. Know better, do better, right? So here goes.

Dear former clients, students, family & friends,

I’m sorry that I:

• Complimented you on how “skinny” you looked when you were actually really depressed.
• Gave you an award for losing the most inches in my bootcamp program. Your value does not lie in the size of your body.
• Forced you to let me take and record your measurements even though your goal was really just to get better at push-ups.
• Emailed you fitspo memes & quotes that made you feel more icky than inspired.
• Told you that it was “Insert-shameful-body-characteristic-here Prevention Day” as a reason to do a certain exercise.
• Made you do extra cardio in my class to “burn off” a holiday meal.
• Wouldn’t sub that class for you because I just had to get my own workout in instead.
• Made jokes about the reasons why I loved to work out (mostly food). You never have to “earn” food. Ever.
• Used push-ups and burpees to “punish” you.
• Complained about how “fat” I felt in front of you even though you were in a larger body than me.
• Ruined our shopping trip by crying in the dressing room because my usual size pants were too small.
• Wouldn’t eat the cookies you made because they had ingredients that I deemed “toxic”.
• Made you that gross paleo carrot cake for your birthday when I should have just bought you a regular one.
• Wouldn’t eat any of the food at your party because I was doing a Whole30.
• Was late to said party because I had to work out beforehand.
• Secretly ate all the M&M’s out of your trail mix because I was hangry and couldn’t take it anymore.
• Made you feel ashamed for eating regular a$$ pasta instead of a spiralized vegetable.
• Tried to convince you to eat like me even though I had 0 formal education about nutrition other than obsessively listening to podcasts about it.
• Gave crap nutrition advice even though it was way out of my scope of practice as a personal trainer & yoga teacher.
• Encouraged you to do double workouts in the same day even though you were clearly sleep deprived and stressed.
• Taught you all sorts of “hacks” for how to eat less. They were actually disordered AF. Seriously, don’t do that stuff.
• Told you everything you “had to do to be healthy” without considering how your financial situation or cultural background played into it.
• Completely disregarded your mental health to focus purely on the physical.
• Judged you for what you ate and whether or not you worked out.
• Felt like I was better than you because I meal prepped salads in mason jars.
• Talked crap about someone else’s weight gain or how they “shouldn’t be wearing that” to you.
• Minimized the reality of your chronic illness by telling you that you could cure yourself with yoga and essential oils.
• Told you to just “do more cardio’ when you asked me for weight loss advice. I should have just told you how amazing you were as-is.
• Looked down on your choice of exercise because it wasn’t as intense as what I was doing.
• Pretended I had my $hit together when I was secretly bingeing on almond butter and dates while posting pictures of my perfect grain-free “cookies”.
• Told you that if “If I can do it, anyone can.” When in reality, a crap-ton of privilege is what makes it super easy for me to work out regularly.
• Made you do exercises that were too hard for you and didn’t know how to give you a variation to make the movement work in your body.
• Whatever other $hitty thing I did or said that neither of us consciously realized was harmful. Because we’re all just swimming in diet culture and sometimes it’s hard to see through the muck.

For this, and for a whole bunch of other stuff that I’ve long forgotten, I’m sorry. For everything that I’m probably still doing wrong, I’m sorry. I’m learning. Hopefully I’m helping you learn too. Breaking up with diet culture is hard work. Creating a new relationship with food, exercise, and your body is even harder. Thank you for being here for all of it. For being open to learning right along with me.

Love,

Jenna J

P.S-As you read this letter you may have wondered why I felt the need to apologize for some of these things. You, yourself might even still be doing some of them. But whether we realize it or not, they ARE harmful. As I take the time to examine my words and actions, I hope you’ll also take the time to do the same for yourself.

Wanna get better at push-ups? Whether you’re trying to get your first one without using your knees, training to beat the entire patriarchy in a push-up contest, or just create better memories around push-ups than 5th grade gym class gave you, this program will help get you there.