My Take On “Tough Love”
My brand of tough love is NOT the “fitspo bro” kind of tough love.
But sometimes I feel like “tough love” gets a bad rap. Especially in the anti-diet/body positive/HAES community. I’ll never forget the time I was listening to a podcast episode with a non-diet dietitian I respect, who proceeded to bash the very words that were plastered all over my website. Ooops. Guess she won’t be interviewing me on her podcast anytime soon? I get it though. Those words might rub you the wrong way. Especially if you’ve had a bad experience with a #fitspo #doyouevenliftbro #toughlove #noexcuses #teamnodaysoff kind of trainer.
And yet, I find myself continuously drawn to the words “tough love”.
I’ve always described myself as a little “spicy”. I’m passionate. I’ve been simultaneously described as a “ray of sunshine” AND a “ball of fire”. I carry that with me into every area of my life. So it would make sense that I derive a lot of enjoyment from workouts are more traditionally “masculine”. Even as a dancer, I always had a hard time trying to be soft and graceful, favoring movement that was more athletic, powerful, and even aggressive.
I’ve always felt like I identify pretty strongly as a “tough love” sort of person. I’m that kind of teacher. I’m that kind of coach. I’m that kind of friend. But I feel like you really need to get to know me to understand what I mean by that.
Let’s talk about this in the context of “joyful movement” for a moment. Because when I first started learning about diet culture and trying to give it up, I felt like I didn’t belong. Everyone was talking about what a relief it was to not “have to” work out anymore. “Zero F*@%$ given!” people would exclaim. Free from the chains of the workouts that they hated.
And while I, too, was relieved to no longer have to try to sneak in more time on the elliptical than my gym’s time limit allowed, I didn’t completely hate it all.
Did I hate before/after transformation photos? You bet. Did I hate the MLM reps who would prey on people at my yoga studio and tried to make me feel bad about my body fat percentage so I’d buy their weight loss bars and shakes (true story)? Sure did. But I didn’t hate working out altogether. And while I’m a big fan of (and teacher) of yoga I really didn’t want to be confined to only that and walking for the rest of my life just to try to avoid diet culture.
NOPE. Tough love meant I wanted to fight for what was mine.
And what I was increasingly growing to love was lifting weights. As a woman who had previously spent her entire life trying to shrink herself, being strong felt like a rebellious act. But don’t be fooled. I’m not here trying to say that strong is the new skinny. Efffffff that.
What I’m actually here to say is that strong looks different on every BODY.
Tough love means I’m gonna push back against anyone who says otherwise. That I’m gonna fight for the people who don’t fit the traditionally acceptable “look” for a strong or fit person. Because they deserve love too. Or at the very least to not hate on themselves because they don’t feel welcome at the gym.
Wanna know what else I mean when I use the words “tough love”?
My kind of tough love means its ok to be ugly.
That it’s ok to show the effort. To not need to feel beautiful all the time to know that you’re a good person.
IT means Being strong AF.
In the physical sense, I know that strong is a relative term. And I mean it in more than just the physical sense. Mental and emotional toughness are important to me too.
It means doing HARD THINGS.
Not hard things that tear you down. But hard things that build you up and get you closer to being the kind of person you want to be. I don’t just mean hard workouts. I mean hard conversations. Facing fears because it helps you grow. Working towards a goal that’s important to you, not just what society tells you that you should be.
It means doing the RIGHT thing.
It means being open to learning and growth. It means standing up for social justice. It means saying you’re sorry when you screw up. It means when you know better you do better.
It means that I have your back.
That I’ll defend you against trolls in your comments section. That I’ll call out your ex for being a jerk to you. Even if you didn’t ask me to. 😉 That I’ll sit with you and let you vent about whoever and whatever made you feel bad about yourself today.
It means I will call you on your own bull$hit & ask you tough questions.
Why are you saying yes to that when you really wanna say no? Are you SURE you’re only using your Fitbit to track your sleep? Why are you still holding on to those jeans from 2009 that don’t fit you anymore? I won’t tell you what’s true for you. But I will ask you to question it a little.
Sometimes it means a hug. Sometimes it means a kick in the a$$.
It always means me asking if you just need someone to listen or if you’re looking for advice. Sometimes it means we go take a walk and get coffee instead of working out. Sometimes it means we bench press about it while swearing under our breath.
My kind of tough love is rooted in love first.
That means I’m gonna work to help you see the good in you when you can’t see it for yourself. Love first. Then if necessary, a proverbial slap on that a$$ and a “go get ’em champ”.
It means I’m here to build you up instead of tear you down.
That I help you find the strength you need to do whatever it is you came here to do for yourself. Because we’re here to be MORE of our true selves, not less.
It means that “accountability” looks more like encouragement.
I’m here to help you find the kind of enjoyment in your workouts so that you don’t need to do it for anyone else. It’s knowing that motivation from a place of guilt and shame is not sustainable. And it’s just as much about celebrating wins as it is setting new goals.
It means that “joyful movement” looks however TF you want it to look.
You’re allowed to love what you love. I’ll never tell you that you should hate the elliptical because I do. Go do what you love! And if you think that there’s a possibility that lifting weights might bring you some joy, let me show you how.
It means you can get strong AF without a side of diet culture.
It doesn’t have to be either/or. Swear off the gym forever or be destined to have a mean coach yelling at you to do more burpees. I help you navigate the bull$hit in the fitness industry instead of trying to avoid it forever.
In My Version of Tough love we use our strength to lift each other up as a community.
It means that womxn cheer each other on instead of competing against each other. That we form strong connections as humans who have similar values and experiences. And that we learn from others who have a different lived experience than our own.
I could go on and on for days.
I don’t know how else to describe the way I show up and what I believe in without using “tough love” as a descriptor. This is what it means to me. I never felt like there was space to be the kind of coach who cheers you on for being a total bada$$ one minute and then tells you to listen to your body and rest the next, but I’m slowly discovering that I don’t know any other way to do it. So I’m creating my own definition of “tough love” and figuring it out as I go.
Sound like you too? I can’t be the only one right??
If this sounds like exactly the sort of thing you feel has been missing in the fitness industry, you need to become a member of Tough Love Strength Club!
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