Vacations are supposed to be relaxing, but I find that I really struggle mentally when I’m traveling. Relaxing stresses me out, especially in terms of my body image. Just a week ago I was snapchatting my friends selfies of my new high waisted bikini bottoms from the Target dressing room with the caption “there’s so much more room for pina coladas in these!” (insert bikini emoji, laugh/crying emoji, tropical drink emoji). This week I find that my mental script is a bit different. Overanalyzing every photo my husband took, trying to decide if I look better, worse, or about the same in a swimsuit as I did last time we went to the beach. Contemplating if another mojito is a good idea (maybe I’ll loosen up and chill out a little) or a bad idea (they don’t make them with stevia like I do at home). Maybe (GASP!) I should even do just a weeeee little not-a-diet (actually a diet) when I get home?

You might be surprised to find that I still feel this way sometimes.

For all the time I’ve spent calling out the BS in the diet and fitness industry you’d think I have this stuff figured out. But I find there’s a very clear difference between being able to intellectualize things, and actually applying them to yourself in your own life. As I caught a glimpse of my reflection while walking poolside, I had the following thoughts:

Maybe I should just tighten the reins a little when I get home. Yanno just take a week or two and eat a ton of veggies and protein and like no sugar. Actually do some cardio. Then maybe I’d look like I did in my 20’s. . .

Except if I remember correctly, I’m pretty sure I felt even more insecure then than I do right now. Which is one of the many reasons that I’ve talked myself out of doing anything that even remotely resembles a diet when I get home, or ever again. Here are the rest of them.

1. I know it’s not going to work.

I remember when I used to obsessively count calories. I’d spend every free moment I had entering my food into My Fitness Pal. According to the app, I was supposed to be losing 2lbs a week. Yet the math equation of calories in/calories out never seemed to work out that way for me. It never freaking worked, did it? It’s never going to work, either.

2. Even if it does work temporarily I know it won’t be sustainable.

It’s true that sometimes if you really buckle down and get serious about it, it does “work”. For a little while. Until you decide that exercising 3 times a day and measuring exactly 1 teaspoon of olive oil to put on your (yet another) salad takes up too much physical and mental energy. Sometimes you get a flat tire and can’t get to the gym. Sometimes you meal prep in advance and when it comes time to eat all you want for dinner is cheese and crackers. Life happens.

3. I know that it’d only Be a matter of time before I swing back in the other direction.

You can only keep any type of restriction up for so long til you fall face first into a stuffed crust pizza (usually on vacation). That includes calorie restriction, macronutrient restriction, and any sort of arbitrary food restrictions that have been dictated to you by some lifestyle change guru. The best way not to fall off the wagon is to not get on in the first place.

4. I want to be the kind of girl who eats pizza.

We’ve all been that girl who dabbed the grease off her pizza right? Ate the toppings off the pizza but left the bread? Tried to avoid social interactions that involved pizza? Confession: sometimes I still eat cauliflower crust pizza and like it. But I want to be the kind of girl who gets excited for free (regular) pizza. Who has a slice (or 3) and thinks nothing of it. I like her. She’s super chill and fun.

5. I trust my body to know what it needs.

When nothing is off limits, food loses it’s power. And once your body knows it can trust you to feed it, weird stuff starts to happen. You find yourself not finishing the brownies because you just don’t feel like having them. Or you find a huge bag of salted macadamia nuts in the back of your cabinet and realize that you don’t really like them as much as you thought you did. You even find yourself craving green stuff from time to time. It might take some time to get there, but I promise its real. We CAN trust our ourselves when it comes to food.

6. I know that it’s just going to screw up my metabolism worse in the long term.

It’s a well known fact that restriction leads to a decreased metabolic rate in the long term. That’s why the results from the first diet you ever go on are usually so dramatic. After that it becomes harder and harder to maintain your set point. Think about every person you know who’s ever “successfully” lost weight. They probably gained all the weight back and then some right? Or they’ve had to incorporate more drastic (and maybe even disordered) methods to maintain it? There’s no winning this game, you guys. No thank you. Let’s cut our losses and find something new to play.

7. Even at my thinnest, I felt the pressure to lose weight.

Granted, it was mostly just pressure from within myself.  But I’ve spent pretty much my whole life trying to lose 5-10lbs. So I can be fairly certain that even if I were to “win” at the dieting game, I’d still be self-conscious about the size of my arms in a tank top. I’d still be deleting bikini pictures from my husband’s camera. I’ve learned that what we really want is not to lose weight, but the positive emotions that we’ve been tricked to think come along with it, like feeling confident and free. Weight loss is not the answer. It never was.

8. I’m Healthy At my current shape and size. 

Before I get into this one, I just need to be clear that health is not a moral obligation. But I feel the need to call it out, because so many people are now dieting (under another name like “lifestyle” or “protocol”) in the name of health. I’ve been there, and admittedly still value health for myself. In any case, my doctor seems to think I’m doing great. Maybe (GASP!) more ab definition does not always equate to better health after all. I’ve been at the same size for a few years now, without dieting, and I’m pretty sure this is just where I’m meant to be. If you’ve been struggling to get smaller with little success, maybe you’re already where you’re meant to be too?

9. It’s against my principles.

I think beauty standards are unrealistic, if not impossible for women to measure up (or down) to. I believe that when we waste time and energy trying to shrink ourselves, it takes away from all the other ways we could be making a difference in the world.We should be able to do whatever we want at the gym, and in life, without fear of others thinking we are too bulky or bossy or whatever.  Moral of the story: if I’m against unrealistic beauty standards for others, I need to not opt in to them for myself.

True story:

This list is literally what I used this week to get the diet thoughts out of my head. If you are having thoughts of wanting to try just one more diet, remember that it’s OKAY! Even those of us who practice from a non-diet approach still struggle with this stuff from time to time. Comment below and let me know what your “why” is for not dieting. Or let me know which one you found the most helpful.

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