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Last weekend I was out with one of my most favorite friends–a fellow dancer turned fitness professional. She’s one of the few people I know in real life who truly gets me. Our playdates usually consist of a workout–she lets me use a guest pass at the gym she works at and we have fun challenging ourselves to try new things and cheering each other on. (She’s usually the one teaching me new stuff, to be honest.) Then we go out and get tacos and margaritas and chat about life. She was catching me up on her dating situation, and told me that her current crush (also a trainer) is NOT on board with body positivity. He seems to think that if we all start to accept ourselves, we’ll just “let ourselves go”. He thinks that nobody will ever work out or do anything productive ever again, and we’ll all just sit around eating donut holes in our pajamas for the rest of our lives.

UMMM FALSE.

This is absolutely not what happens. At least not in my experience. At the same time, I can’t help but wonder…is this what most people think it’s all about? Is this why so many others (especially those in the fitness industry) are so resistant to the idea of body positivity? Are we worried that if we encourage people to accept themselves at their current shape and size that they’ll never come to the gym again and we’ll all be out of a job? I don’t think we need to worry about that. At the same time, I get why it’s a hard sell, especially if you’ve never tried it for yourself.

I’ve never said this out loud before, but I’m just now realizing that I was basically forced into body acceptance.

Kind of against my will. I didn’t really have a choice. After years of trying every diet, every “not a diet”, and every style of workout (sometimes even on the same day), I finally gave up. My “F this I’m done” moment came after my big elimination diet fail. The encore came about a month later when I discovered that I was hypothyroid. Literally my worst nightmare. My fear of gaining weight was right up there with my fear of bees, ghosts, and getting run off the road by a semi truck. And once I realized that my weight was SO out of my control, I figured I’d better come to terms with whatever size I was going to end up. So it began.

It’s been life changing.

And while it hasn’t been all rainbows and unicorns, I don’t regret any of it. Body positivity is a big buzzword right now. One that many people have strong feelings about in both directions. I use it because I don’t know how else to describe the mindset shifts I’ve been going through for the past 2 years or so. For me body positivity means: Giving up dieting, and pretty much any sort of food restriction. Re-examining my relationship with exercise. Calling out diet culture BS when I see it. Working on accepting my body at the shape and size it’s at in any given moment. Letting go of the notion that I need be smaller to be worthy, and encouraging others to do the same. Learning about concepts like Intuitive Eating and Health At Every Size. Deconstructing our culture’s views about health, fatness, weight loss, fitness, and beauty standards. Learning about the roots of this movement (fat acceptance and intersectional feminism). And of course sharing my story, and listening to the stories of others. The list goes on and on, and continues to evolve every day.

If you’re a little bit on the fence about this whole “body positivity” thing, you might be interested to know what actually happened to me once I decided to go all-in with it.

I went WilD for a little while.

Yes, it’s true. I’m not gonna lie and say that the honeymoon phase with food isn’t real. But it calmed down pretty quickly once I realized that it doesn’t feel that great to eat blondies for dinner every night. Dessert lost it’s magical powers once I realized I could have it whenever I wanted. Now I eat greens willingly. In fact, I probably eat the same amount of play food as I would have otherwise–it’s just shame free now. Instead of having one huge “cheat day” it’s just spaced out more.

I still work out.

AND it’s more intentional now. Previously I would have chosen whichever workout burned the most calories, regardless of how I was feeling that day. Now I listen to how I feel and choose accordingly. Sometimes it’s a dance or yoga class. Some days I just go to the gym and decide which equipment looks the most appealing and how I want to move that day. It’s more fun that way. Sometimes I sleep in because I know that rest days are important too. I definitely do not sit around and do nothing all day every day though. Also, I never do boring workouts that I don’t like.

I learned to do some pretty amazing things at the gym.

Once I shifted my focus from working out to change my appearance, I was able to figure out what actually interested me in terms of movement. I discovered that I really wanted to learn how to lift heavy stuff. So I did. I learned how to use barbells and kettlebells because they just seemed bada$$ to me. Then I got my first pull-up (and eventually a few more). I tried Crossfit for the first time, and LOVED the fact that there were no mirrors involved. In spite of the reputation it gets for being a really punishing and addictive workout, I managed to develop a pretty casual & healthy relationship with it.

I got to spend money on more interesting things Than Weight Loss.

My first continuing education units (CEU’s) as a personal trainer were actually a weight loss specialization. (GASP! I knowwwww…it’s true!) I probably would have continued to obsess over calories and macronutrients and body fat percentages. But once I realized there are better reasons to work out, I decided to spend my continuing education time and dollars elsewhere. There are so many great things to learn about when it comes to fitness. So many different types of equipment to learn to use. Different demographics of people to learn to work with. Even different ways to learn to be a better coach. I’m glad I discovered that sooner, rather than later.

I lost interest in food.

Or at least stopped being so preoccupied with it all the time. I realized what foods I actually like and don’t like instead of being like OMG SUGAR!! Then having a 45 minute debate with myself over whether or not I was gonna have some. I actually still like salad. Only small doses of kale though. Yes to a really good buttercream frosting. No thank you, bottom half of the cupcake. I made macaroni and cheese from scratch the other day. It was delicious. Then I forgot about the leftovers in the fridge for days. Who am I???

Less stress over food=more time to better prepare for life.

I used to neglect important stuff because I was freaking out trying to make sure that the cauliflower was mashed and that I had individual baggies of celery and carrots ready for snacks. I’d wake up soooooo early because I had to make scrambled eggs with veggies (the only acceptable breakfast because #nocarbs) I still cook now. Maybe less then my husband would prefer. But I like the flexibility of being able to have taco Tuesday take-out when I need an extra hour to plan choreography for my night of dance teaching. I’m all for meal prep. Just not the all-consuming, no excuses, up til 2am kind.

I Became less socially awkward.

Gone are the days of feeling anxious going out to dinner or to a party. Should I eat the bread or not eat the bread? What if someone asks me why I’m not eating bread? What if there is nothing healthy there? $hit. I can’t stop eating these stale candies because I haven’t had sweets like in a month. Instead I can just let the food be what it is and focus on the family/friends/conversation. To anyone who ever had to deal with me awkwardly and discreetly picking beans out of their homemade chili or the cheese off the pizza they ordered for us: I’m SO sorry. I know you totally saw that. I’m sorry I didn’t try the pie you made. Sorry I ate the ENTIRE pie in small slivers over the kitchen counter by myself and left none for you. I’m sorry I tried to make you that weird carrot cake for your birthday with the coconut milk frosting that melted all over it. Please invite me to your party again. I’m much more chill now.

I started getting sick less.

I’m actually much healthier overall. Eating “clean” and working out 24/7 got me labeled as the “healthy one”. But the truth is, I would still get sick all the time. Waking up at the crack of dawn to exercise 7 days a week took it’s toll on my immune system. I was also much more anxious. Allowing myself to rest when I need it AND putting real honey in my tea when my throat hurts have been some of the healthiest things I’ve ever done. My blood sugar, blood pressure, and other blood markers are just fine. Even better than when I was convinced that eating bananas would give me insulin resistance.

My size didn’t change Much.

I actually wear the exact same size clothing that I did when I finished my last “not-a-diet” (actually a diet) about 2 years ago. Am I the smallest I’ve ever been? Not really. The size I was in high school? Nope. But that’s not where I’m meant to be right now. Every person in every phase of life is different. When it comes to giving up dieting, some people may gain weight, some people lose weight, and some stay the same. I often say that your value as a person is not determined by the size tag in your jeans. But I’m willing to bet that if you’re interested enough to read this blog post, you probably still care about that at least a little right? My point is this: if you gain weight just by looking at a cookie, your body is probably trying to tell you that your weight is suppressed. That’s most likely not a size that is healthy for YOU.

I accomplished MORE, Not less, When it came to my goals.

Well, the ones that had nothing to do with weight loss, anyway. Once I wasn’t tracking my calories, macros, and workouts, I freed up so much time! Instead of reading other people’s blog posts about how to biohack myself and lose the “last 5 lbs”, I found more time to start writing my own. I got consistent with my blog and learned a ton about how to start reaching more people through it. Tap teacher training. Check. New personal training job. Check. Got affiliated with the Body Positive Fitness Alliance. Performed in two incredible shows with Chicago Tap Theatre. Started a meditation practice. Traveled abroad. Adopted the most adorable dog. Check, check, check, check aannnnddd…you get the point. To be clear, body positivity has nothing to do with being super productive. But it certainly frees up a lot of mental energy if you’ve got $hit to do!

Accepting yourself doesn’t fundamentally change your personality.

It just helps you channel your energy differently. I’ve always been a high energy, type-A sort of person. I suppose that could be a whole new issue to sort out at the therapist? Either way, working on self-acceptance, body positivity, body liberation, giving up diet culture, or whatever you want to call it, does NOT change who you are for the worse.

In fact, I believe that it helps you become more of the person you were truly meant to be.

For me, that person is still someone who wants to move and feel good and get $hit done. When embracing a more body positive mindset, you CAN still pursue health from a more relaxed place if you choose. Though you certainly don’t have to. And even though I work in the fitness industry, I finally understand that it’s nobody else’s place to bully you for that. Some people (like those in recovery from an eating disorder) may need to put the pursuit of health on the back burner for awhile. But you definitely don’t have to throw the baby out with the bath water forever.

I know what many of you are thinking now. “BUT…BUT…BUT…some people need to lose weight for their health.” First of all: if those people did not ask for advice, that’s nobody’s business but their own. Second of all, this is not necessarily true. Debating science is not my strong suit, but if you need some solid facts this is my best resource on the topic.

There is one thing I know for sure: shaming people (including ourselves) based on body size is not going to make anyone healthier or happier.

Especially when you factor in mental health. It’s definitely not going to make anyone feel more welcome at the gym or at Whole Foods. And even if everything I just said turned out to be completely false, most of us who are super obsessed with food and exercise probably don’t fall into the perceived category: “people who need to lose weight for their health”.

That’s my story.

My hope is that it’s helped those of you who don’t quite “get” body positivity to see it for what it can really be. I recognize that my experience is likely completely different from that of others. If you have NEVER enjoyed movement and aren’t a fan of vegetables, but would like to try to be healthier, you don’t have to hate yourself into it.