Whether you realize it or not, your relationship with exercise is just that–a relationship. We’re all in different places with it, and it’s not always where we want to be.

Some people are single and loving it.

Others are single and desperately searching to find that perfect match.

Some are playing the field, just having fun.

Others are super committed.

And some of you are just in a baaaaddddd relationship with exercise.

Except you don’t even realize it, because you’ve never known any different. That’s just what fitness is right? It’s #noexcuses, before/after photos, and meal plans that always find a way to blame you if you don’t lose weight. It’s personal trainers who can’t possibly imagine that anyone would have a goal other than fat loss or make assumptions about your goals and ability based on how you look. “Coaches” who aren’t actually qualified or certified in anything other than selling you shakes and workout videos and trying to get you to join their “team”. Right? Wrong.

I could go on and on, and if you keep reading I’ll tell you allllll the things you need to look out for.

In the past I’ve talked about improving your relationship with exercise when it comes to yourself and how you look at and participate in it. Today I’m talking about the types of people, services, and products that we’re in relationship with. The ones we partner up with, aspire to be like, share our hopes and dreams with, and give all our money to. And being the type of friend that I am, I feel the need to tell you this one thing right now.

YOU. CAN. DO. SO. MUCH. BETTER.

You are settling. Break up with them. I don’t care how good looking they are, how nice their abs are, or all the things they promised they’d give you. It’s lies. They never really cared about you. Move on. Your relationship with exercise is no good for you!

It doesn’t have to be this way.

It doesn’t. I know this sounds strangely similar to that conversation we had back in college when you were dating that guy who cheated on you with your roommate and never washed his sheets. But it’s kind of the same thing. Maybe you wish I wasn’t so brutally honest, and think it would be easier to just call your other best friend who is all “good vibes only”. Sorry. Can’t. It’s my tough love nature. Here’s the deal:

Your relationship with exercise is something you’re in partnership with for your whole life.

Or as long as you choose to participate in it. It’s important that your workouts (and the people who are delivering them to you) build you up. That they value you as a whole person beyond just how you look. Want you to reach your goals and invest in your self-care. Don’t make a big deal if you decide you wanna go out with your friends instead of hanging out with them 24/7. That they aren’t gold diggers who are just using you for your money.

Some of you are settling for less than you deserve.

Know that when I say “they” this could refer to a number of things: your personal trainer, your gym, that influencer you follow, the workout videos, the YouTube channel, or Pinterest graphic. Bad fitness advice comes in many forms. Here’s how to know if it’s time to break up with them.

They’re not actually qualified.

Have you ever taken a moment to look into the qualifications of the person giving you fitness advice? I feel it’s important to point out that certifications or letters after your name don’t necessarily make you a good coach. And there are lots of great coaches who have less formal education but a wealth of experience. That being said, you should probably ask more questions before you start taking advice from that woman from your high school with who is selling shakes out of her garage, or the cute girl with the thigh gap on Instagram who just got took a cardioyogilatesculpt training over a long weekend and wants to tell you the 4 exercises you need for toned arms.

They’re doing things that are out of their scope of practice.

Even qualified coaches sometimes do things out of their scope of practice, so it’s important to know who is supposed to be doing what job. Your personal trainer or group fitness instructor is not qualified to give you a meal plan, give you mental health advice, heal your injured knee, or help you manage your diabetes. Following their advice in this case could lead to you not getting the results you want at best, and causing you actual harm at worst. You need a registered dietitian, a therapist, a physical therapist, and a doctor for those things. The girl on your Facebook feed asking you to Venmo her money for her diet bet is NOT it.

They’re using their body to sell you things AKA “Train like me and you’ll look like me.”

This will set you up for disappointment in the long run. Because all bodies are genetically different. We could all eat the same foods and work out the exact same way and look drastically different. Sure, there is some science behind the way different methods of training and eating will effect your body. It doesn’t mean that they’re all sustainable or healthy long term. It also doesn’t guarantee how it will show up in YOUR body. If you work out like me. . .you’re gonna look like YOU!

They rely on before/after photos to get you to buy in.

If you know me, you know that I hated these long before I knew why I hated them. They just always made me feel icky. Now I know it’s because they’re build upon a message of shame. They put bodies in a hierarchy based on the arbitrary beauty standards of the moment (that are often based in white supremacy, btw). They make you feel like crap if your “right now” looks like someone else’s “before”. They promote body obsession and feed disordered eating and eating disorders. And many of them are flat out lies, exaggerated by strategic posing and lighting. Nobody is showing after the “after” either. AKA what happens when they couldn’t maintain the body type they forced themself to become.

They use shaming language in their marketing and cueing.

Sometimes it’s right in the name. You don’t have to have any particular type of body to have a “beach body” mmmmmkkkkay? How are we missing this?? You don’t have to earn your pizza on a Friday night or burn off your holiday meal. Enough with the “quarantine 15” and the “hip dips”, and all the other cutesey names people create to describe our perceived “flaws”. So many of us already have enough body image issues as it is. People who exploit that to try to make $$$ suck.

They push you into disordered habits that aren’t actually healthy.

Sometimes it’s important to check in with yourself and ask if the things you are doing in the name of “health” are actually healthy. I’m pretty sure that forcing yourself to wake up at 5am to work out on vacation, refusing to eat regular ass cake at your own birthday party, or not giving yourself a day off when you’re injured are NOT the healthy choice. Don’t follow advice from people who make you lose sight of that.

They find a way to blame you when you don’t get the results you want.

It’s never their plan’s fault. You don’t look like the “after” picture because you misjudged your portion sizes or overdid it on your “cheat day”. “You just need more time for your metabolism to reset itself into fat-burning mode”, they say. Except it’s not that. Maybe if they took the time to listen to your “excuses” instead of blowing them off, they’d be able to help you find a solution that feels good for you. Except they don’t. And it’s crap. You deserve better.

They pressure you into buying things you don’t actually need.

Because you’d get better results if you also had the pre-workout, and the recovery drink, and the shit-your-pants tea. . .hahaha sorry I went there. I’m over it. Anyone whose fitness plan pressures you into buying products that you didn’t ask for probably doesn’t care all that much about your health and fitness. They’re interested in making a buck and getting rid of the stockpile of protein bars they have in their basement.

They make you do things that don’t fit into your life, or think their way is the only way.

Like insisting that you have to work out for X amount of time or days per week for it to “count”. Or discouraging you from doing activities that you love because you have to stick to their plan exclusively. They don’t consider what you were doing before you came to their program and push you to do too much too fast. This is what causes you to perpetually be “on the wagon” or “off the wagon” and gets you stuck in an all-or-nothing-mindset.

They rely on gimmicky workout advice that’s not backed in actual science.

This is the “do these 4 exercises for toned abs”, while failing to recognize the science behind what it takes to have visible ab definition. That’s not how any of this works! You need a coach who understands exercise science. Not a group fitness instructor who is genetically wired to look the way that they do and thinks that everyone else will look the same, if they too do arm circles with little pink dumbbells.

They make you feel like you’re wrong or broken if an exercise doesn’t work in your body.

These are the people who say things like “If you can’t do _______ take a modification.” But then never bother to teach you the modification. Or they shrug it off when you tell them that something doesn’t feel right or causes you pain. A good coach will talk you through things if you ask and help you find a variation that works in your body. A good coach understands the purpose behind every exercise they program, and knows how to figure out other ways to accomplish the same goal.

They make assumptions about your goals and fitness level based on your appearance.

When they first meet you they ask “So how much weight do you wanna lose?”, when what you actually came to do was train for a big hike on your next vacation. These are the same people who assume you’ve never worked out before because you’re in a larger body. Or they assume you must be lying about your activity level and what you eat. And they also SUCK.

Do you see any of these qualities in your current fitness program??

Stop making excuses for them. Because you don’t have to settle. I don’t care if it’s fun/free/you’ve been doing it forever or whatever. Because I promise you there are trainers and coaches out there who are NOT like this and would love to have you as a client. (Hi, it’s me!)

AND just because someone doesn’t promote diet culture doesn’t mean that they don’t know how to create a “good” workout that’s fun and challenging. Just because someone doesn’t promote fat loss as the highest accomplishment a person could ever achieve doesn’t mean they can’t teach you a TON about what it means to actually be healthy and fit.

Look a little deeper the next time you’re looking for a fitness program. You deserve better. Stop settling. 😉

Wanna get better at push-ups? Whether you’re trying to get your first one without using your knees, training to beat the entire patriarchy in a push-up contest, or just create better memories around push-ups than 5th grade gym class gave you, this program will help get you there.