Saying “I feel fat” isn’t helping anyone.

It’s not helping me. It’s not helping you. And it sure as hell is not helping your friend who is actually fat. I want to take some time to talk about this, particularly with those of you who aren’t objectively fat in real life. Because it took me a long time to wrap my head around the phrase “fat is not a feeling.” And I want to help you understand it too.

The first time I heard someone tell me that “fat is not a feeling” I didn’t get it.

At the time I was at the beginning of my body acceptance journey and had recently gained some weight as a result of a thyroid issue. “UMMM YES. It most certainly is a feeling. I literally have more fat on my body than I used to. I’m really uncomfortable here.” So when people on the internet who I was looking to for guidance started shoving this phrase down my throat I felt resentful.

Nobody really took the time to explain to me why my choice of words were important not only to my own body image journey, but also to other people around me.

Nope. Instead, I felt attacked. I felt misunderstood. And meanwhile I still felt awful about myself and felt like the words I used to describe how I was feeling had been stolen from me. My discomfort was diminished.

It felt like a band-aid fix. “Just love your body. Fat is not a feeling.” is what they told me.

If I wasn’t allowed to have a “fat day” what did I have left? Actually, it left me to figure out exactly and specifically what emotions and sensations I was really feeling. Turns out, it was never the responsibility of strangers on the internet to teach me that in the first place. Along the way I learned some tools to cope with those feelings beyond just calling my best friend and crying.

Today I want to share them with you.

Because nobody ever took the time to walk me through this whole “fat is not a feeling” thing. I had to figure it out myself. “Fat is not a feeling” means that “fat” is not an emotion. However, when I asked some of my friends, followers, and clients to describe in detail what they meant when they said they felt “fat”, there were some very clear similarities. All of them were negative. Hmmmmmm. . .

Here are just a few of them:

Lacking in confidence. Like their clothes were too tight or uncomfortable. Hyper aware of their body. PMS-y. Larger than normal. Displeased with themselves. Unattractive. Dumpy. Bloated. Full. Slow. Sluggish. Lethargic. Weighed down. Anxious. Ashamed. Insecure. Unloved. Unhealthy. SHITTY.

WOW.

That’s a LOT. I’m sure many of us have been there and can relate. One of the best responses I got though came from somebody who said

“It’s a physical feeling even if it isn’t an emotional one, and more often than not it’s misused.”

It IS often misused. And we need to consider that. Mainly because to speak this way is super fatphobic. Which is to be expected I guess. We live in a world that treats being fat as if it’s the worst thing a person could ever be. No wonder so many of us fear it. But to speak this way derogatory towards people who are actually fat. It’s hurtful to anyone within earshot who happens to be in a larger body than you. It assumes that fat is automatically synonymous with all of the negative qualities mentioned above, which is in many cases, false. It’s just what we’ve all been socialized to believe.

What I really wish, is that I could just end this blog post right here. Be like “Hey, let’s be kind and respectful to people of all sizes, k?” And the world would be like “Cool!” But I know that’s not reality yet. I also know that you could probably also use some tools to deal with your next “fat day” and some more specific words to describe it. Because guess what? Saying you’re having a “fat day” isn’t a cool thing to do.

So what do we say instead? How do we deal?

The first step is to get clear & specific on how you actually feel when you say you feel “fat”. Where are you mentally and emotionally? What are the specific physical sensations? Then you can either sit with or take action on those feelings so you can start to feel better. Get clear on the actual emotion or physical sensation. Own it. Then, instead of just saying you’re having a “fat day”, do one of these things instead:

• Wear stretchy pants. Leggings? Your partner’s sweatpants?
• Put on a flowy dress.
• Wear an accessory that makes you feel like YOU.
• Write down 3 things you like about yourself. Bonus points if they’re not appearance related.
• Ask a friend, family member, or co-worker to tell you what they like about you.
• Tell someone else why you love them.
• Step outside and get some fresh air.
• Do something that requires so much mental focus that you’re distracted from your body for awhile.
• Take your meds if you need them.
• Give yourself permission to lay low all day.
• Detox your social media-unfollow accounts that make you feel bad.
• Repopulate it with accounts of all different body types and views on body image and diet culture. (This blog post lists a bunch of Instagram accounts to help get you started.)
• Get your nails done or paint them yourself.
• F that. Disregard beauty rules on purpose.
• Take a shower.
• Take a nap.
• Check one nagging task off your to-do list.
• Move your body in a way that makes you happy.
• Go to therapy–just make sure you’re not using exercise as a substitute for it.
• Play with a dog or a little kid.
• Swing on a swing.
• Don’t restrict your food! Do eat and drink things that make you feel well.
• Enjoy your favorite coffee or tea.
• Journal.
• Meditate.
• Read some fiction.
• Watch your favorite movie.
• Crank your favorite jams.
• Listen to an anti-diet podcast.
• Binge read my blog. This post is a great place to start. So is this one.

Listen, I know some of you probably want to throw your phone at me right now.

Like “REALLY Jenna?? You want me to meditate right now? I can’t even sit still. How can I go to therapy when I don’t even have health insurance right now?! F$*! you and your polka dotted sunglasses.”

I get it. I’ve been there, believe it or not. These suggestions are things that sometimes help me. But I hope they got your wheels turning a bit.

Most importantly I hope that they’ve helped you see that when you put a more specific name to your actual feelings than just “fat” you can actually deal with them. So put your own spin on this. Not only can you do better by yourself when you use a word other than “fat” to describe your feelings. But you can also generally be a better human to others around you who are actually in larger bodies. Know better, do better.

Wanna get better at push-ups? Whether you’re trying to get your first one without using your knees, training to beat the entire patriarchy in a push-up contest, or just create better memories around push-ups than 5th grade gym class gave you, this program will help get you there.