I got a text from a friend the other day. She had left a party (one we had both been at) early, because another friend of hers questioned what she was eating not one, not two, but three times. As in “Are you REALLY gonna eat that?” In her own words, she “pretty much had a full blown meltdown about it”. One that ultimately led to a late night cookie binge. She felt so awful mentally and physically that she had to call in sick from work the next day.

“Nobody should judge anyone about what they eat! And what kills me is that she knows I struggle with food and body image…” 

That’s one of the many texts I got from her that Monday afternoon. I bet you wouldn’t know it though, if you looked at her. Because this friend of mine is the poster child for what our society sees as healthy, fit, and attractive. She is thin, beautiful, confident, and successful. It’s not uncommon to see her carrying around a green juice on her way to yoga or posting a picture of some organic superfood.

If even the green juice sipping women who do handstands on the beach in their XS yoga pants are struggling with food and body image, where do you think that leaves everyone else?

The thing is, you don’t know what somebody is struggling with unless they decide to open up and share it with you. And that $hit is hard. So many people don’t share at all.  The food comments that this particular person experienced that day weren’t the only ones I overheard that week. I love my jobs and the people I work with but FFS! If I hear one more person bragging about how “clean” they eat, or how they don’t eat any sugar ever except for raw organic honey. . . I’m gonna snap and be like,

“Hey. You’re obnoxious.” 

Preferably with a mouthful of queso or something, just to rub it in. 😉  Sorry not sorry. I mean, I guess I get it. I used to be that way too. In fact, I’m genuinely sorry for anyone I ever offended or annoyed with my weird food rules. But now I see that it can be problematic. The hostess of this party made those brownies with love and from scratch. No, they weren’t made with black beans and stevia. Either eat one or don’t. But keep your opinions about white flour to yourself, unless you’re a registered dietician and someone’s paying for your services. It’s rude to both the people eating the food AND the person who prepared and served it.

If we didn’t make people feel like crap for eating a cookie maybe they wouldn’t feel the need to eat a whole box in secret.

While we’re on the subject of assigning people a moral value for what they eat, I’d like to approach another similar concept: weight loss/muscle gain compliments. I’m gonna steal a quote here from Women’s Strength Coalition because they said it better than I could.

Friendly reminder: “You’ve lost weight.” or “You’ve gained muscle.” are not universal compliments. 

Sometimes I wonder if people can feel my uncomfortable wrath when hear these types compliments given. I hear it all the time and, and whether they are directed at me or someone else, it always makes me feel super awkward. Because for anyone who has ever struggled with body image, these types of “compliments” could easily become the fuel for a really negative downward spiral. Depending on the person that could mean an entire day spent eating ice cream, OR not eating at all. It could mean an obscene amount of time on the elliptical. Or hours wasted ruminating over old photos or trying on old clothes. A seemingly innocent and kind compliment can really stick with you, and not always in a good way. Especially if you have a history of disordered eating.

For example if someone says: “You’ve lost weight! You look great!”

I hear: “You looked like crap before. Better stay this size forever.” (Then I feel obligated to be that thin EVERY time I see this person.)

They say: “I can tell you’ve been working out, look at those guns!”

I worry: “Do they really look that much bigger? I wasn’t going for size. That’s just how my arms are.” 

They say: “You’ve leaned out. What have you been doing?”

I think: “Eliminating a bunch of food groups and exercising excessively. . .guess I have to keep at it now. . .”

Don’t even get me started on what happens when somebody makes an observation that’s NOT meant as a compliment.

She said: “You used to be Wayyy thinner…”

I responded: “Yeah we’re done here. Bye.” (We aren’t friends anymore. True story.)

Even when these sorts of comments are directed at others, I immediately wonder what the person on the receiving end might be doing to change their physique and whether or not it’s healthy and sustainable. Or whether it’s even a good thing for them. You just don’t know. Even if someone is your close friend or family member you might not know. That’s why I’m aiming to change the conversation around food and bodies.

Start hearing this stuff. Once you do you’ll notice it everywhere.

If you’ve ever had a negative reaction to someone’s comment about your food choices or your body size, you get it. That could be anything from anger, sadness, hurt, anxiety, shame, self-consciousness, or any number of other emotions. Heck, maybe you ever felt proud or accomplished in the moment. Maybe that bad feeling didn’t come right away, but came back to haunt you when you gained the weight back, or started eating carbs again. Or maybe you aren’t usually on the receiving end of these kinds of comments, but hear them given to others and spend your life trying to avoid them. (That’s usually where I’m at.)

I don’t want praise for eating a salad. I’m not interested in explaining my decision to eat bread when I’m out to dinner. I don’t want to be called out if I gain weight OR be told I look “great” if I lose it. No, I’m not gonna flex for you right now. These types of comments can be really loaded, and I want them to go away. I can’t be the only one right? I mean, I like compliments. But is there ANY other possible thing we could talk about?

I don’t think we’re gonna change a culture overnight, but we can start with ourselves.

Let’s pause and think for a moment before we open our mouths to share an opinion about somebody’s weight or what’s on their plate. I like to use the THINK acronym to decide whether or not it’s appropriate to say something.

Is it True? Helpful? Inspiring? Necessary? Kind?

I even created a handy flow chart about it.

This can be used in all situations, but particularly when it comes to the temptation to comment on someone else’s food or body. Call me overly sensitive if you like. But I think that these sorts of comments, even when well intentioned, can often result in more harm than good. Especially if you aren’t 100% sure of that person’s history with body image and food.

So what the heck can you even say anymore?

That’s up to you to decide. There are about a billion other things I’d personally rather hear. Tell me that you love my class. My taste in music. My sense of style. That I give great advice. That I’m a good writer and you love my blog posts. Tell me that I’m resilient. That I’m fun to be around. Or that you see all the hard work I put into continuing education. Tell me that you like my purple nail polish or my polka dotted socks.

Or. . .ask me what I’m really excited about now.

For real. That’s just me. But I’m willing to bet that most people would LOVE the opportunity to tell you about what lights them up.  Maybe even more than they’d appreciate a compliment about the current shape of their butt. But for sure more than they’d enjoy listening to a lecture about the effect of fruit on their body fat percentage.

 

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